Your current situation can be described as follows. It’s 10am, you find yourself struggling to open your eyes. They want to open, but there is a sticky film preventing you from actually completing the action. But eventually you figure it out; and when you do, you realize that your hand is covered in green barstar stamps and glitter. was I out for St Pats, or Mardi Gras? you wonder to yourself. As you attempt to smack yourself in the forehead you notice the beer your fingers are clutching for dear life… It’s official you are a hungover mess. Your mouth tastes like a homeless man urinated in it and you are familiar with the trail of clothes leading to your open bedroom door. It is about this time that you realize you are standing naked in your kitchen and your roommate is sure to wake up at any moment. Don’t worry girl, I’ve got your skanky ass covered, we are going to fix you up like Patch Adams.
Step one: Chug Water, no, no, not sip… You weren’t sipping last night were you?! Chug a liter of lemon water to cleanse yourself of the green beer your liver is swimming in. It might be tough, and you’ll probably gag, but you’ll thank me in an hour.
Step two: Fill your belly. The last thing you want to think about is food; I realize that but listen up; your body needs something to soak up all the shame you ingested and replenish all the nutrients you pissed away… So make the sOakmeal recipe below. Eat it all! Even if it takes you all day…
1/2 organic oats ( I like Bobs Mill)
1/4 tsp Himalayan rock salt ( this will replenish your body with minerals)
1 tbsp wheat germ (optional)
1/2 tbsp Maca (rebalances your horomones you dirty skank)
1/4 tsp nutmeg (flavour yums)
1 cup of mixed berries ( I like to use blueberries and strawberries, they are high in antioxidants and vitamin c)
1/2 a banana, sliced ( replenishes your potassium)
1/2 -1 cup almond milk
Cook the oatmeal according to the package. ( or soak it the night before if you are raw) Mix in spice and maca. Add remaining ingredients. And top with fruit.
Step three: shower the shame off your body… You smell like a dumpster baby.
Step four: sleep, sleep sleep
Step five: Drink green juices, all day. Especially with ginger, it will help with the detox. Make your own or buy some and keep them in your fridge. I get mine from Belmonte Raw in Leslieville.
You’re welcome dirty girl. Same time next weekend?